When I was 10 I had my first major crush. It all started when a certain boy would throw paper balls at my head and pick on me. I thought he was dreamy. I also believed that boys pick on girls they like. So at our 5th grade end of the year party I wrote ” Do you like me?” on a napkin and gave it to him.
I got it back with a laugh and ” hell no” written on it. Up until then I only thought my parents cussed.
I crushed on Jacob until we graduated high school. In middle school I wrote sappy notes that ended with ” Check yes or no.” In photography I would go visit the gym classes just to get more pictures of him. I cried at every school dance because he always turned me down when I asked him to dance. In all my school dances, I only danced with a guy once and that was because his best friend’s little sister begged him to.
I was a helpless romantic who was super sensitive.
I had read ” I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, ” Knight in Shining Armor” and vowed never to love another man before God. Only problem is- I was never fully committed nor was I really a Christian. I spent years chasing guys only to get my heart tore out. This went with me into college until one day a very wise person helped me stop.
This person made me realize the reasons why I was pursuing the love of men and not God- it’s because I never really knew His love. It’s hard to comprehend a love that is so great, you don’t get to see your lover. So large, nothing can break it. So endless, nothing can change it. It took me years to realize that I’m failing in earthly love because my heavenly love was non existent.
God desires us to love Him fully. That’s what we were created to do. When we allow others to take our focus from Him, He get’s jealous. He wants our attention, not because He’s greedy but because He loves us. He knows that when our focus drifts we fall back into sin. When our focus drifts, our passion dies. When our focus drifts, we stop communicating. God is always there but His calls have to be two way.
So here I am. 23, single, one short term relationship under my belt, countless crushes, and my focus is being evaluated. I’ve failed in love. But through my failures, I’ve fallen deeper in love with my Father.