Hesitant

I’ve been blessed in life. Most of us would say that. One of the biggest blessings I’ve recently acknowledged is the blessing of those people who have been part of my life for a decade or more. These people who now are over 300 miles away who really played minute parts in my life. The memories of their presence only glimpses of history as they were only there shortly. Yet here they are, 10 years later, still breathing life into me. Still pouring the love of Christ in as I now pour His love out. It’s these people who sometimes bring a new light to my life with Christ. A new light that I never knew because it was a light only viewable from the outside.

It’s from one of these people I gained a new understanding of the beginnings of my walk with Christ.

So lets rewind to 2003.

middleschoolMeet me. I was headed to Jekyll for my first summer youth camp ( SuperWow.) I barely knew the people on the bus- only meeting some a few months before, yet here I was despite the warnings from mom’s coworkers. I had spent the last year at school attending FCA meetings to which I was initially dragged to by a soccer teammate. It wasn’t until months later when a leader and my soccer captain shared her faith, then invited me to Rowland Springs for their Easter Sunrise Service.I’ll never forget that morning. Dressed in my Sunday best, my family trekked to the church only to learn that the service was to take place at the dam. We arrived, watched the choir sing, then mom fell in a hole. Pastor Joe caught her. We made it to church after breakfast and decided we liked the people. Looking back I never realized how influential this beginning would be. Camp brought a deeper understanding of Jesus. It was emotional. It was fun and led me with a good friend who is still in my life to this day. I thought that year I gave my life to Christ. I prayed the prayer led by Tony Nolan and sealed the deal with baptism when I got home after professing I was going to be a missionary.

Only thing was, I did this again the next year. The whole thing. Baptism and all.

I was hesitant. Hesitant to trust fully. Hesitant to fully comprehend the love of Christ. I’d remain this way until my freshman year of college when I’d fully experience new life with Christ. But I would be baptized one more time after that.

yup folks,4 times.

middleschool worship

 

What kept me hesitant? What would keep me from embracing this life Christ had not only died for but had risen and brought new life for? A dear friend gave light to a partial reason- my confidence. My lack of believing in myself kept me from believing in my Savior. My lack of understanding my self worth kept me from seeing the worth Christ instilled in me. As a beloved child of God, I became a new creation. One who would break through the shell of flesh satan so often entraps me in, pushing past the lies that are whispered in my ears of can’ts, and ultimately landing in the palms of a Heavenly Father who embraced every fiber of my being- because he knit them together. I may not have started this life confident in my walk with Christ, but through the years, He gave me a new confidence allowing me to see now that nothing I do keeps Him from loving me less.

 

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